Written Regret
by COBigBlueBox
Summary: Kate hits a low point, and contemplates suicide. Can her ruggedly handsome partner save her from herself? Please R&R.


**(A/N This story came to me last night at work, so I decided to write this. I'm hoping you enjoy it.**

**Lately, there has been an outbreak of "guest" reviews that have been nothing but negative reviews. Some of them have been downright horrible. I'll tell you right now: if you leave a review that is rude, disrespectful, or horrible, I WILL not allow it to go up. You can not like something, and still be civil with your review. Constructive criticism is welcome; negative reviews just for the sake of being a dick are not.)**

She sat in the silence of her apartment, listening to the storm rage both outside and in her mind. Drinking a full bottle of wine had done nothing to quell the grief in her heart, or the voices in her head. Though Lanie had offered to come over to keep her company, she had refused. She wasn't in the mood to entertain guests tonight. As she glanced over at his book sitting on the coffee table, his words once again played in her brain.

_Well, I guess there's just nothing I can say, is there? Okay, um… Yeah, you're right, Kate, it's your life. You can throw it away if you want, but I'm not gonna stick around and watch you. So this is, uh…over. I'm done._

The finality of the night's events finally set in, and Kate felt her resistance finally fade. Leaning forward, she buried her face in her hands and cried. Great, heart-wrenching sobs escaped her, as the flood of emotions inside her heart broke the walls she clung to for so long. She had never felt so low. Cole Maddox had gotten away; he was probably torturing Smith for the files he had. Esposito had gotten suspended for withholding evidence, and she had quit, rather than serve suspension. But the worst was the knowledge that she had lost Castle. Her mother's case had cost her everything that night: her job, her friends, and her love. The pain in her heart had never been greater.

As she wiped the tears off of her cheeks, Kate began to consider suicide. Though she knew all the cultural taboos against it, her depression was so great that she didn't see an end to her pain. But before she decided to do it, she would write Castle a letter. She didn't think he would read it, but a letter to him would hopefully help ease the pain he'd feel. A selfish part of her also took faint glee in the fact that he'd be hurting as much as she was hurting right now. Getting a piece of paper and a pen, Kate sat down and began writing.

_Dear Rick,__  
_

_By the time you read this, I will be dead. I'm so sorry for the pain this will cause you, along with everything else that I did to you. I realize this is the coward's way out, but I need you to understand why._

Kate paused to wipe fresh tears off of her cheeks, and continued writing.

_When I chose my mother's case over you, it wasn't about my ego, or getting back at you for lying to me. It was about finding the carefree girl who would tell jokes, and laugh at everything. I used to love everything about life, Castle. After she died, it was like the light had been stolen. I built the walls inside my heart to protect myself. I thought it was to make me stronger, but it was really about making sure I was never hurt again. No one ever gave me a reason to live outside of them, until you came along. You didn't take no for an answer, and you kept digging until you were inside of my heart. You never knew, but I was in love with you. Your books got me through the dark time after her death. Your boyish charm, your optimism, becoming the inspiration of your latest series, as well as getting to know the real you, made me love you even more. I just didn't know how to give in to my feelings, and take a chance again. I'm sorry I won't be able to do that anymore, but I know you'll find someone out there who will love you as much as I do._

Kate's tears fell again, staining the paper as she wrote. _I realize now that I was searching for someone who already existed. You brought that carefree girl back to life. If I could go back in time and redo this night, I would choose you over my mother's case. I think she would have approved of you, and loved as much as I did. Please don't grieve for me. Live a long, happy life. Goodbye, Richard Alexander Edgar Rodgers Castle. I will always love you._

_Always,_

_Kate Beckett_

Kate folded the letter, sealed it inside an envelope with Castle's name on the front, and walked out the door. Hailing a taxi, she left for Castle's place one last time.

* * *

Kate stood outside the door to the loft, hesitating to knock. Though she was sure he would answer, never being without manners, she wasn't sure how he would react. And if he slammed the door in her face, she would never have the courage to give him her goodbye letter. Deciding on a course of action, Kate slid the letter underneath the door. "Goodbye, Castle," she whispered. "I love you." Turning around, she shuffled away from the door, heartbroken and shoulders heavy with regret. As she waited for the elevator to arrive to take her back to her final destination, she wiped more tears from her face. The last thing she wanted to do on her last night on Earth was answer questions from people about why she had been crying, no matter how sympathetic they were. She never heard the door behind her slam open, or the thudding pound of running feet. She wasn't aware of anything, until she felt a hand roughly grab her arm and spin her around. She gasped in surprise, as she stared into a familiar set of blue eyes that were glistening with unshed tears. "Castle?"

"Don't," he said, his voice quavering.

"I-"

"Don't you _dare_ leave me!" he said, before he pulled her in and hugged her as tight as he could. Beckett's arms slid up behind him, gripping him as tight as she could, as her shoulders began shaking anew with sobs.

"I'm so sorry, Castle," she managed to say between sobs. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

Castle leaned back, and grabbed her face so she could look at him. "Don't you _ever_ think of doing that again, Beckett!" he said, as the tears began running down his cheeks. "If you die, I don't know what I would do!"

"I thought you didn't love me anymore," she whispered, as she sniffed. "I was so low and so hurt, I couldn't stand the thought of living without you."

Castle cried, as he realized how much be had hurt her tonight. "I never stopped loving you," he said. "And I never will."

Kate cried, as she hugged Castle again. "I love you, Castle," she said. "And I just want you."

Castle took her hand. "Come home, Kate," he said, as he led her toward the door to the loft, and the love in his heart.


End file.
